5 Ways to Level Your Dating Expectations and Find Real Love
If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a million times from my single friends: “I’m not settling.” And I hear you. When I was single, I had my list, too—the must-have qualities, the non-negotiable attributes, the blueprint for my ideal husband. But that list? It evolved. Not because I lowered my standards but because I leveled my expectations. I got real about what truly matters in a life partner and, just as importantly, who I was and what I was bringing into a relationship.
This is the part that’s difficult to hear: Having sky-high expectations for a partner when you don’t meet those same standards is the quickest way to stay stuck in the infinity loop of dating disappointment. Love isn’t about checking off a list—it’s about compatibility, connection, and commitment. So before you write off your next date because they don’t fit your idealized version of The One, here are five things to check within yourself first.
Get Real About Your Strengths and Weaknesses
We all want a partner who is financially stable, emotionally mature, physically fit, and endlessly patient. But friend, are you all of those things?
It’s easy to demand what we want in a partner, but love isn’t a one-sided contract. If you expect someone to bring security, wisdom, and growth into your life, you have to be willing to do the same. Self-awareness is key—take a hard look at your habits, mindset, and emotional availability. The best relationships happen when both people complement each other, not when one person is expecting the other to do all the heavy lifting.
Understand That Love Is a Partnership, Not a Fairytale
If your idea of romance is built solely on grand gestures, whirlwind passion, and a whimsical “soulmate” narrative, you’re setting yourself up for failure.
True partnership isn’t about someone sweeping you off your feet every day—it’s about someone standing beside you in the trenches of real life. The right person won’t just make your heart race; they’ll make your life better. That means showing up, making compromises, and growing together through the not-so-glamorous times.
Stop Measuring Against a Fantasy
Some of you have been chasing perfection for so long you have runner’s knee. 😩 Yes, standards matter. But if your list of requirements is starting to sound like a casting call for the lead in a rom-com, it’s time to reassess. (‘Cause Idris Elba and Matt McConaughey are taken, honey). You might be dismissing genuinely good partners because they don’t check every single box. Instead of fixating on height, income, or an arbitrary level of “swag,” focus on core values: kindness, integrity, emotional intelligence, shared goals. Those are the things that create lasting love.
“You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.” — Jodi Picoult
Recognize That Love Requires Work
Some of y’all won’t like this one, but I’m going to give it to you straight. A healthy, thriving relationship doesn’t just happen—it’s built. If you don’t fully understand this, you’ll find yourself constantly jumping from one situation to the next as soon as the spark fades or because things got a little complicated. If that sounds like your situation, ask yourself: Are you looking for love, or are you looking for an easy ride? Relationships require effort, patience, and sometimes uncomfortable conversations. The couples who make it long-term aren’t the ones who never have issues—they’re the ones who are willing to work through them together.
Ask Yourself If You’re Really Ready for Love
This might be the most important point of all. Wanting love and being ready for love are two very different things. If you’re still holding on to past wounds, unwilling to compromise, or unsure of what you truly need in a partner beyond surface-level traits, you might not be as ready as you think. Do the inner work. Heal what needs to be healed. Become the kind of person who attracts the love you desire.
Final Thoughts
No one is asking you to abandon your standards. I do, however, encourage you to be honest with yourself and give those dating expectations a thorough review. If you’re holding out for a relationship that meets an impossible standard while refusing to do any self-reflection, you’re not just single—you’re stuck. So before you swear off dating because “no one measures up” or “the dating pool is dirty,” ask yourself: Are you looking for love, or are you clinging to an illusion? The right person may not check every box, but they’ll show up where it counts. And that’s what truly matters.
What’s one dating expectation you’ve had to adjust? Let’s talk about it in the comments!
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