Step-parent, you’ve done everything right – you’ve been respectful to your spouse’s ex, embraced your step-children with open arms, and granted enough grace to consider a career in ministry.  But still, you’re dealing with disrespect and hostility from the other side. It’s a tough spot to be in, but know you’re not the first – nor will you be the last – to deal with a bitter, jealous ex.  But fear not, for I have been to the Mount and returned with a set of instructions to help you electric slide around the co-parenting shenanigans and center your focus on keeping your marriage happy and strong. I present to you…

The 8 Co-Parenting Commandments

Know Your Role

First things first: understand your role. As the new spouse, whether anyone likes it or not, you’re an important part of the co-parenting dynamic. The role can be tricky though, and you have to be careful not to overplay it.  In any case, it’s essential to lead by example.  Your actions set the tone for everyone involved, including the children.

Communicate Clearly and Calmly

Avoid getting drawn into arguments or emotional confrontations. Toxic exes thrive on that.  Stick to the facts and use written communication if verbal interactions often lead to conflict. Your spouse should be the one responsible for driving communication, not you.

Set Boundaries

This one’s super important.  Establish clear boundaries and stick to them. It’s essential to define what is and isn’t acceptable behavior.  Again, make sure your spouse is driving and communicating these boundaries, not you. (Not your clown, not your rodeo).

Co-parenting is not a competition. It’s a collaboration of two homes working together with the best interest of the child at heart. Work for your kids, not against them. –Unknown

Keep the Focus on the Kids

Always keep the children’s best interests at the forefront.  Avoid speaking negatively about the ex in front of the children – even if the ex doesn’t do the same.  Children are smarter than we often give them credit.  They will see the difference between the two sets of behavior.

Foster a Positive Home Environment

Create a positive and supportive home environment. Show the children that your home is a safe space where they are loved and valued. But also, they don’t get to disturb the peace.  In the unfortunate event that they have taken on the attitude and behavior of the ex, your spouse must be the one to check it and make sure they understand that disrespect will not be tolerated.

Keep an Open Dialogue With Your Spouse

Maintain open and honest communication with your spouse. It’s important to work – and present – as a team.  Support each other through the challenges and regularly check in to make sure you’re on the same page.

Bitterness is Their Problem, Not Yours

Recognize that the ex’s behavior stems from their own insecurities and issues, not necessarily because of anything you’ve done. Stay confident in your role and the strength of your relationship.  Also, most of the negative things they do don’t require or deserve a response.  Don’t take the bait.

Seek Professional Help if Needed

Bitter Bobs and Bettys are notorious for using children as a method of control.  If the situation becomes overwhelming,  find a family therapist or mediator to help.  In especially difficult or uncooperative situations, do not hesitate to head on over to family court.  Get every aspect of the co-parenting etched out in a legal custody agreement, leaving nothing more to contemplate or discuss.  Sometimes third-party intervention can make a world of difference.

The Bottom Line

There’s an old saying, “One monkey don’t stop no show.”  It generally means that one setback will not impede progress.  And no ex should ever interfere with or impede the progress of your happy union.  Co-parenting is not for the weak.  But remember to tell yourself you’re doing an incredible job in a challenging situation.  Stay strong, stay positive, and remember that trouble – even in the form of a bitter ex – won’t last always. ❤️

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